Growing up, I didn’t realize how much trauma I experienced. I was bullied throughout middle school and early high school, but I didn’t think it affected me. I’ve had physical injuries, as well as emotional ones, but I just kept plowing along. I just kept a straight face and thought that I was strong. While I may have been strong, I was also hurt.
It has taken me many years to actually become aware of deep hurts within me. My illness didn’t help with this, and largely contributed to the trauma that I experienced. However, I used the same tactic that had worked growing up: I just kept acting like nothing could affect me. Only after healing from the illness, and feeling safe enough and stable enough for long enough, was I able to let my guards down and realize how deeply hurt I was.
I realized that I had to grieve the losses and the pain that I had endured. I had to feel it so that I could release it. In yoga practice, we learn that the body has “cellular memory”, where it stores our experiences and emotions, etc. Going through the illness felt like being beaten to a pulp over and over again. I was holding so much pain inside, but I just kept going. I had to in order to survive. Now that I have been able to relax a little bit, I’ve been able to let my guard down without feeling like I’ll be beaten to the ground again.
These past five years since starting homeopathy, I’ve considered myself “healed” because I no longer required medication, but I realized that I still had a lot of healing to do. I have continued to work on improving my health, managing my resources in a useful way, maintaining balance, and rebuilding my life. It has been hard work, but I have continued to grow and move forward.
I think that trauma can contribute to mental illness, and that mental illness can cause trauma. Ultimately, as human beings, we learn to heal. We adapt, we grow, we get stronger, we get wiser, and we move forward. I believe that each one of us is perfectly suited to our own unique environment and circumstances. It is what we need to grow, and our gifts and strengths are also uniquely suited to our environment for how we can best serve the world.
I am so grateful for all of the experiences that I have been through, because I am all the richer for it. It is our experiences that give richness and meaning to our lives, which allows us to live more deeply and more fully. We all share in the human experience! I wish you the very best on your healing journey. God bless you!