Suffering with the type of mental illness that I did, schizoaffective disorder, I experienced a powerlessness that is beyond words. It felt like life was impossibly challenging and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do what I had to do to function. I felt trapped, and powerless to change my situation.
All these years later, I still face challenges that seem too great for me, but if you combine the lessons I’ve learned, along with the tools that I’ve picked up along the way, and add God’s grace, it’s enough. I can make it. I do make it, not by my own wit or strength, but by the infinite wisdom and intelligence of the Creator of all things.
I don’t like thinking too much about the hardships I’ve endured, because looking back it seems like it was too unbearable. The road seems too long, and the challenges too great. I feel like I had too many close calls. However, I know now, there is an orchestrating intelligence with a wisdom far greater than mine. The times that I failed taught me lessons that I needed along the way. When I felt like I was too broken, the pieces still fit together in God’s greater plan for me.
Every day I have to surrender. I have to surrender the things that I want, my plans for myself, and the way that I want things to work out. Every day I also fail, I fall short. Every single day. It’s a painful process, but it’s allowing me to feel fully alive. Little by little, the last remaining bits of fear that I hold are being burned out of me.
I’m falling into love and trust with God. It’s more beautiful than I could have imagined. I’m still challenged past my limits every day, but I have a deep peace within. No matter what my external circumstances are, I know that I’ll be okay. My faith keeps growing. I take one day at a time, and I keep moving forward, little by little, day by day.
If you’re struggling with mental illness, I know how hard it is. Just know that you are loved and that there is hope. I wish you the very best. God bless you!!